closed 

For no purposes other then my own. I'm fickle and particular. I like change. I like unexpected. Therefore, with no fair warning this is my last entry on this site. I really have nothing more to say other then, for the past year or two my feeling have been spilt onto this site with no regards to anyone's feeling other then my own. Everything jotted down has been unscripted and written with raw emotion-- the way I believe things should be.

Honest. Raw. Real.

The world lacks depth and is scared shitless of seeing things for what they really are. People always want to see the good, the beautiful and the accepted; but nothing in life is any of those things, without scarifies and consequences. People are stubborn and affected, shallow and self-centered, and dare I say-- fake. 

Then again, aren't we all phonies? To be accepted. To fit into the mold. To be a fucking carbon copy of all the little vapid pieces of shit standing next to us?

Call me cynical, call me a bitter, call my fucking pessimistic-- but shit, at least I'm honest. Can you say the same?

<3 Len.

..catch ya later dollface o_x

She wore her heart on her sleeve
Naïve, innocent and carefree.
Her smile made you believe,
You where the only one she’d ever need.

Now, tears have stained her cheeks
And her heart no longer beats.
Time has taken its toll on her pretty face,
A beautiful forlorn disgrace.

No one wants a broken toy,
Left torn, tattered and destroyed.
A shallow shell and an empty case,
Made of cherry lipstick, pearls and lace.

There is nothing left to do or say,
Its simply time to throw me away.
Nothing but a pleasant memory,
Of the beauty that I use to be.

© kathleen joy.

|[ edit: 11:22pm || pointless rant ]|

Since when did life get so complicated? I don't even know where to begin. So many things have happened in my life lately which have seriously affected me to the point of no return. Its like you've been beaten down so many fucking times, you just stop getting up... its makes me think that I've made too many wrong choices in the last four years of my life. There are so many things in life I hide to protect myself, to protect others, to protect this fucking diluted image of myself that everyone has. There are so many lies and fake smiles surrounding me and I want out. I want to stop the cycle I want to press delete and start over, but I can't. I've dug my own grave and there is nothing left but to burry myself in it.

I feel spent, I feel tired, I feel like I need to talk to my fucking therapist already.

Everything that once made me who I was has been stripped from me, I look into the mirror and I don't recognize the person I see on the other side. I've become this facade-- this shell of a person that lives each day just waiting for the next, because the only good part of the day is that its over.

I'm so fucking tired emotionally that its physically taking a toll on me. Insomnia has taken over my life. Its become a challenge to sleep every night and even more of a challenge to wake up every morning. I'm not looking for fucking answers, I just want to know the fucking questions.

fuck this shit. I'm done.

Dear ________,

Everyone starts off optimistic until some life changing event turns them bitter and cold. Its like something inside them turns off and they suddenly become this empty shell type of person. They forget how to feel and how to love and the only thing they know is time and this warped sense of control. It’s this type of control that keeps them surviving from day to day-- but, time-- time cannot always heal all wounds.

These empty shell people think that somehow by having this “control” that they will be saved from another horrible ordeal and the truth is, they will be. However, the irony of it all is that its that type of control that will inevitably lead them to corrupt someone else-- much like their former selves-- turning that person into yet another empty shell person. Its all a vicious cycle and honestly, I rather not take part in it.

Something’s can’t be fixed, they are broken beyond repair and at that point you must make a decision to either let it go or to simply take it for what it is. Enduring the consequences of someone else’s mistake can take a toll on anyone. Accepting things for what they are is the easy part, the hard part is knowing if you stay, you’ll eventually turn into one of them-- a bitter, cynical, empty shell person. You’ll forget your reason for living and only taste the bitter memory of what you once had.

I refuse to let you drain me of what I have left. I’ve spent more then enough time loving you, knowing you’ll never allow yourself to love me the way you should. So, I’m doing what I once thought was impossible--- I’m letting go.

<3 Len.

Highlights from my motoGP weekend !!!

10 hour scenic drive from L.A. to Monterey with a stop at Santa Barbara.

walkie talkies are a must on road trips, but you must first brush up on your “Top Gun” lingo.

One bag of Reese’s Pieces will not last a whole 10 hour drive, between four people.

Sometimes the beach is really really cold, while everywhere else is sweltering hot.

Discovering air horns have a variety of purposes-- like, scaring a herd of cows on an open field, while you drive by.

Deciding to walk, in the cold, in the dead of night, in the middle of Salinas, for the sake of keeping our “quality” parking spaces.

Walking six blocks one direction only to turn back and walk six blocks the opposite direction. Then, finding out that you need a car to order food at the drive thru because nothing else is open. Therefore, you have no choice but to walk back six blocks and pick up your car, which is what you should have done in the first place.

Going to sleep at 2 in the morning, only to wake up four hours later, just so we could get in line for a parking space in the dirt field they called a “parking lot”.

Walking across a hill, then down a hill, then down another hill, and then across a bridge or two or three, then up a few more mountainous hills for a better view of the track. Only to go back down, across a few more bridges and then finally deciding to go back up again.

Getting really bad sun burn because even SPF 1000 could not block your skin from the sun.

Realizing that you need more then one battery for your camcorder right before the race begins.

Understanding Italians have a whole lot of pride and will run on the track with a gigantic Italian flag even before the race is over, and even though Rossi didn’t win.

Finding out that there is no way out of the “parking lot” unless you go off-roading.

Screaming your ass off as you go off-roading in a Mitsubishi Lancer OZ rally edition, so you can take the short cut home, which still takes 45 minutes. [side note: I got in a shit load of trouble for this-- so, unless you know what your doing or your nuts like me. DON’T DO IT!]

Having people cheer for you because they can’t believe the Lancer made it all the way across.

Taking the direct route home which takes only about 5 hours.

Realizing that Santa Barbara has NO gas stations that are open 24 hours, unless you drive about two miles away from the freeway.

The Top 3 Things I Learned During My Weekend:
1. Warm ROCKSTARS are nasty.
2. Hanging out with seven guys is way cooler then hanging with bunch of bitchy girls any day.
3. MotoGP is a million times better then NASCAR, no matter what anyone says.

It was a swell weekend, wish you could of been there! But, as a consolation here are some visuals for all of you who missed it.